High school diploma: the infomercial

INT. END OF GRADUATION CEREMONY – OUTSIDE LAUREN, JOHN, KRIS, and KATIE are at their graduation ceremony, throwing their graduation caps into the air and miming camera-conscious excitement. In awkward infomercial fashion, the four are all smiling at the camera instead of each other.

KATIE (excited) We’ve graduated from high school! JOHN (confused) But, what does that mean? LAUREN That means we get to… get our diplomas! GRADUATION CEREMONY KATIE opens her diploma and finds that it is empty. KATIE (over-dramatic confusion and distress) Waaait… LAUREN (voiceover) That means we get to… throw graduation parties! JOHN’S GRADUATION PARTY JOHN and KRIS are standing near a table, miming a typical high school party gossip session. JOHN’s gaze suddenly shifts to LAUREN and KATIE, who are playing catch with JOHN’s mother’s expensive-looking vase. The camera darts to LAUREN and KATIE, who are now excitedly throwing the vase back and forth between one another. Realizing that the host (JOHN) is watching them, LAUREN and KATIE run off. JOHN (chasing LAUREN and KATIE) Hey, wait, don’t take that…! The camera darts back to KRIS, who has just spilled a red liquid on JOHN’s couch.

KRIS Um… oops? LAUREN (voiceover) That means we’re now… qualified to work at a real job! HOME LAUREN is opening a letter from Vector Marketing. LAUREN (excited) Yay, I got a job offer! LAUREN reads the letter for about two seconds. LAUREN (confused) Wait… they want me to sell knives!? CLOVER’S JOHN is at a desk doing paperwork. JOHN’S BOSS (played by KRIS) walks up to JOHN. JOHN’S BOSS (played by KRIS) JOHN, you’ve been promoted! JOHN (over-exaggerated look of excitement) Awesome! CUT to JOHN dragging very large bags of manure across a road.

JOHN (upset and frustrated) Ugh… VARIOUS STORES LAUREN hands a job application to a STORE MLAURENGER (played by KATIE). LAUREN looks eager to land her first “ real job.” STORE MLAURENGER (played by KATIE) Sorry… we don’t hire under 18. LAUREN But I am 18! STORE MLAURENGER (played by KATIE) Uh… I meant 21. KRIS pops in. KRIS But I am 21! STORE MLAURENGER Uh… I meant we’re only hiring high school graduates at the moment.

JOHN pops in. A large “ WE’RE HIRING” sign is visible behind him. JOHN pulls out his high school diploma and shows it to the camera and STORE MLAURENGER (played by KATIE). JOHN But I am a high school graduate! STORE MLAURENGER (played by KATIE) (the large “ WE’RE HIRING” sign is still clearly visible) Uh… we’re… not hiring at the moment. LAUREN (voiceover) That means we can… go off to college! HOME LAUREN, KATIE, KRIS, and JOHN are opening their acceptance letters.

A cut sequence of rejection letters and upset faces is shown. COLLEGE OF DUPAGE KATIE walks up to the front doors of a building labeled “ COLLEGE OF DREAMS.” She looks eager to begin pursuing a fresh future at college. LAUREN (voiceover) KATIE can’t wait to begin pursuing her fresh, fun, and successful future at the College of Dreams! KATIE (excited) I can’t wait to begin pursuing my fresh, fun, and successful future at the College of Dreams! Suddenly, a JANIOR (played by JOHN) takes down the “ COLLEGE OF DREAMS” sign and replaces it with a “ STARBUCKS” sign. KATIE looks horrified.

JANIOR (played by JOHN) (irritated) Well don’t just stand there! Help me take this down! EXT. END OF GRADUATION CEREMONY – OUTSIDE (SAME AS INT.) LAUREN, JOHN, KRIS, and KATIE are still at their graduation ceremony, still miming camera-conscious excitement. In awkward infomercial fashion, the four are still smiling at the camera instead of each other. KATIE (excited) The world has just so many exciting opportunities for fresh high school graduates like us! JOHN (excited) With so many exciting options, I just don’t know where to begin! LAUREN (excited) If it were really this awesome, we wouldn’t have time to make an infomercial!