Answering a question

Paragraph Critique First of all there were a lot of grammatical mistakes made in the paragraph. It is better if a person uses simpler words than words he or she has little or no idea about. The word motivated has been so wrongly used that even an expert in English will have to go through this sentence at least ten times in order to understand what the writer is trying to say. Double inverted commas are used to indicate a quotation from someone. There has nothing been quoted yet most of the words are used with inverted commas. Expressions like ‘ oh’ are wrongly used in this paragraph as these words are spontaneously used when a mistake has been made. The sentences have been very badly constructed. While reading at the first glance it seems the writer will send the most important work to whom he is interacting with by the 25th of March but after close reading I penetrated that your most important work is just a title of a book. The correct order to write the date is not Mar. 25 but either 25 March 2013 or March 25, 2013. The date should be written in full with the year. It is better to always use full form of words in English. We’re, don’t, didn’t etc are not acceptable in writing formal English so short forms must be avoided. The two commas in the second last sentence have been wrongly used. Such commas are used when the word just before the first comma needs to be defined or explained. Then again the vocabulary is not right. The word patronage does simply not makes any sense in the last sentence. Though indenting is optional but one should use it to indicate a new paragraph (Jones).
Revision
I would like to thank you for the order you placed for the six DVD’s. Due to a lot of work lately I will not be able to hold a meeting with you but feel free to email me if you have questions in mind. I will send you the DVD’s for Performance Appraisal that really improves Performance, Hiring Employees and Your most Important Work by the 25th of March. You will also receive a booklet with your purchase that will contain instructions on how to go about using the DVD. We want you to be 100% satisfied with the products you receive from us. These booklets might also come handy when your organization plans to conduct a workshop or house seminar. Inside the package you will also find our new catalogue that includes information about fifty new DVDs on training. Like with all our training materials, these DVDs carry a 30 day no question asked return policy. Thank you for your order. We very much appreciate your interest in working with us.
Work Cited
Jones, Neil. How To Write & Speak Better English. Delhi: Lotus Press, 2006.