Self analysis: me once vs now

Once I was a very self conscientious person and optimistic in nature but now I am more of a wavered soul with a blend of self doubt and pessimism. Since the very childhood, it is apparent that one is raised by his parents in a way to make him teach and feel the sense of responsibilities. And what I meant by responsibility is not just associated to an attitude of being organized and reliable but also entails social obligation too. But as I have grown up, I have failed to keep up the cooperative spirit to fulfill my responsibilities and remain an optimist soul. This transition, however; from a more to a less responsible personality has been quite intriguing for me and my family.

In my childhood day I was more capable of controlling the situation in a more constructive way rather than today. So what do I mean by systematic way? I was more than capable of taking things step by step and without hassle as they might come out to me.

Within the same context, I tend to do things punctually within an ethical framework rather than messing up things in the end. In this regard, some of the examples that I remember related to my personal well being were: timely submission of homework to my teachers, being more vigilant to follow my daily routine, sleeping as early as possible to avoid absentees, keeping my wardrobe planned and being more disciplined and meticulous in following rules and regulations. It was apparent that I was much dependent and relied more on my parents to solve my little problems at once by a magic clasp of fingers so I was able to control situation decisively without being tensed or serious. This was quite evident when I had serious issue in doing paperwork of my school, taking help associated to my homework or resolving my fights in my school life. Similarly, I was cautious to my personal attire and socially responsible as well. What do you really think of social and personal obligation? Well it depends upon how you approach it.

In my childhood I was more rationale in my actions for the society as well as for my personal well being. I always felt a sense personal obligation for the welfare of society so I used to participate in lot of cultural events, social welfare summer camps conducted by NGOS and most importantly I was more concerned of keeping things clean in my society at that time. Now what do I mean by personal self conscience, it relates to my cautiousness for my personal hygiene in my childhood. I was very much concerned about my personal attire in those days. I remember those moments when I used to do a lot of shopping for my wardrobe and had certain preferences for clothes but now all these things have grown a little dull for me. Honestly speaking, I feel that those days were a lot more vibrant than they are now. Apart from that, I was an active participant in sports whether it be cricket, football or table tennis because I had a lot of spare time. Moreover, the height of optimism in my childhood was sky high. Is it only me who thinks being happy is interrelated with optimism? Well, in my childhood I used to approach things with a positive mind set.

It might be because of my immaturity level and ignorance of practical reality of the world but who knows what’s real to me might not seem real to you. I remember one day even though I failed my exam miserably I reacted quite sensitively and optimistically about the situation because my parents were there to guide me at that time. I think my optimism was mainly due to my ignorance of the future outcome and my actions were not judged in this mainstream and stereotypical society. Because my childhood was mainly influenced by my parents, I was psychologically self assertive and strong willed under their superiority. A bad event or circumstance was taken as a stride by me and not as a temporary setback. Since, I was not concerned about external factors (outside vendors) and opinion of society so I was potentially more positive at that time. Because I did not envisage the long term goals and my focus was myopic, my notion of optimism remained stable in my childhood. This is truly evident from one of my experience that I used to make an inference psychologically that TV shows and cartoon were ideal way to tackle any situation and their mainstream ideas were impactful in a positive way to me. Now how does modern era cartoon function? What do you think of them? Well you might know the answer. However, now as an adolescent, things have changed significantly from what I was back then. I am more of a pessimistic and wavered person nowadays. Now what clicks in your mind from being a wavered person? Well, personally I am not disciplined nowadays and radically unconcerned about my long term goals. In short I have become an irresponsible kind of person whose room is a bit messy and wardrobe, not always organized. Moreover my academic is not up to the mark because my attitude has become quite indifferent towards studies. I always try to approach things in hassle and things become quite rusty at times. As I have become so called ‘ independent’, my choices are quite indecisive and carefree.

Nowadays I not only forgot to do my assignments on time but also have become socially inactive in welfare and other work. This seems like quite a dilemma for me to be uncertain of my social obligation and responsibility. I am now failing miserably to cope with my routine and things have gone this far that I don’t even get enough sleep. This is because nowadays I often sleep at 3 am or 4 am in the morning. Likewise, even in my A levels I was not able to do things in systematic way, starting from studying subjects to deciding about the university. Besides, I have become unconcerned about my personal attire which reinforces both my physical and mental health. Unfortunately, I have even become distant with my family relatives and friends. Impartially, because I am surrounded with lot of anxiety and tension of the real world, my responsibility towards my community, family and university have become unparalleled and indefinite. By the same token, my mindset has changed from optimism to slightly pessimism. Because my goals are now long term and are much of the times psychologically unachievable, I feel demoralized and disappointed in those situations. Sometimes as a pessimist, I see positive events as flukes that are outside of my control and easily get frustrated and dissatisfied in those difficult times. Surprisingly, I even doubt my ability when I fail to achieve some of my goals and that thought process provokes me to blame myself for that negative outlook. This negative outlook even acts as a catalyst to shatter my confidence sometimes. It was true in my case when I used to day dream about going to Top universities of world but eventually due to financial crisis I was not able to achieve my goal. When things don’t go according to my desire, my mind starts whirling with all the negativity rather than possibilities. Is it not true in your case? Whenever, I am unable to face situations smoothly and open mindedly I usually complain to myself for that undesirable outcome. Being a slightly pessimist person has also affected my mood and attitude towards the people associated to me. For instance, I do not tend to reply to my friends or family members when I am going through a stressful situation and dilemma. As an adult without the support of parents your mind is free to adapt to any possibility and so was mine. Don’t you think it happens to everyone?

We all live in a gutter but some of us are looking at the stars. Someone has said it correctly being a conscientious and optimistic person is a silver lining but if you are a perfect person. In my case this transition of my personality to being slightly pessimist and carefree was a natural part of my life. In an absolute sense, living according to the set social norms of society is quite difficult for me because you are judged to be a perfect person from every angle. Don’t you think this is how our stereotypical society malfunctions? For me being a wavered guy is better than being a perfect and organized one but it is rather important to keep a balance between optimism and pessimism to live a healthy and a happy life. To be a complete pessimistic person can be quite disastrous whilst you need to be a mediocre person. To say the least, the pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails and I am an imperfect realist.