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Do you agree with Pepper Schwartz that couples’ needs should be similar in these three areas? Can you think of examples that would support Schwartz’s points? Can you think of other situations in which the best match would be between partners with similar needs? Can you think of areas in which partners’ different needs might complement one another?
Yes, I do agree with Pepper Schwartz that couples’ needs should be similar in these three areas: personal energy, outlook and predictability. If couples’ needs in these three areas are not similar then they will drive each other crazy and their relationship will be in trouble.
Here are some examples that would support Schwartz’s points. A couple whose personal energies are high enjoy outdoor activities. Both of them would prefer going on a hike and adventure travelling as an ideal way to reconnect and relax. On the other hand, if the couples’ energy level is not that high, then they would prefer a walk on the beach or romantic movie together over hiking or adventure travel. If the couples’ needs are not similar then they would not complement each other with their definition of relaxing or enjoying. They can go along with each other’s choice a few times but it won’t be long term and the relationship will fade. The same is true for outlook.
Other situations or areas in which the best match would be between partners of similar needs are age, socioeconomic background, religion, ethnicity, and so on. It would be very difficult for partners from different ethnic backgrounds to be in a successful relationship. There can be exceptions but majority of the relationships would end sooner or later.
Areas in which partners’ different needs might complement one another are social behaviour, personal or character traits like being organised, etc. For example a partner who is relaxed can help his partner to beat the stress by creating a soothing environment while an introvert partner can be helped by an extrovert partner to be more social. Similarly an organized partner might help an disorganized partner to organize oneself.