Comments for improvement essays example

Page one, Paragraph 1, Sentence 2

You use “ Created to” twice really close together. This is repetitive, by using a synonym to replace one of these you will increase both interest and elegance.

Page one, Paragraph 1, Sentence 3,

This starts with a conjunction. Ideally restructure the sentence so that it does not start with “ But” or at the very least, set it off with a comma.

Page one, Paragraph 1, sentence 5,

You use the word “ Intangible” which means imperceptible or insignificant. I would say “ tangible” is a better word choice here.

Page one, Paragraph 1

Early in the paragraph you use “ human-to-human” with hyphens, however in the 6th sentence you present the same phrase without hyphens. I think either way is fine, but you need to be consistent

Throughout the paper

You need to be really careful with tenses, and with use of singular v. plural. I notice several problems regarding basic agreement in the first paragraph, and these details need to be monitored and corrected throughout.

Page one, Paragraph one, Quote starting with “ We become just by .”

Make sure this is correctly cited. Currently there is no citation for the quote.

Page one, Paragraph one, Sentence starting with “ Human interaction is necessary in Aristotle’s theory because ”

“ oneself” and “ his or her are not in agreement, or at the very least read awkwardly.
Also, this is a long awkward sentence. Please try reorganizing the sentence using semi-colons and better structure, or break into two sentences.

Page one, paragraph 2, sentence one

Aristotle’s believes is incorrect. This must either be “ Aristotle’s beliefs” or Aristotle believes” then alter the rest of the sentence to logically and grammatically follow the one you choose.
Page two, paragraph 1, sentence 1 (sentence 2 of the paragraph that begins on page one,” “ Nicomachean Ethics that explains” should be “ Nicomachean Ethics, which explains.”

Page two, paragraph one, Sentence starting with “ Virtue ethics is the study”

This sentence is awkward. Use more precise language to clean it up.

Paper as a whole.

These paragraphs are alarmingly long. Paragraphs typically do not go on for a full page try to separate them into single ideas. Also, if your sentences and paragraphs are in a variety of lengths the paper will be more visually appealing, more organized and generally more elegant.
For example, in the second page, I would start a new paragraph at the sentence starting with “ Virtue is a state between two extremes.” Because, this is a new thought or idea.
Go through the whole paper, considering where the conversation takes a turn, or starts a new thought, and use that to guide breaking paragraphs down.

In the sentence on Page to starting with “ To Aristotle happiness is eudemonia”

A few things. first you have already used the phrase “ To Aristotle” so I would change the phrasing to add interest, and to be more specific. Also, the introductory phrase should be set of by commas. Finally, as it is currently phrased here, the word eudemonia would be better placed inside quotation marks.
Throughout the paper
It is important to make sure everything you take form another source is property cited so the use of the word Eudemonia here for example needs a source, you also need to cite the definition of Virtue Ethics, earlier in the paragraph. Recall that any idea that you get from another person or source needs to be cited because it is not your own intellectual property.

Page 2, In the sentence that starts with “ Eudomonia can only be achieved”

The word ones should be plural, “ one’s”
Page 2, In the sentence that starts with “ Aristotle makes an analogy about ”
Here, use of the phrase “ the mean” seems awkward I would say “ the balance”
The mean is used incorrectly later in the passage as well, and should be replaced with a clearer phrase, something more accurately describes the balance, or the middle ground between the two extremes. However “ mean” is really math specific in its use, and this is not something that is statistically measurable.

Page 2, “ can be applied to the actions in our life.”

Our lives . Our is plural
Page 2 “ But courage is the mean between these two and a virtue. And on can be considered courageous f he or she habitually practices courageous acts in the real world.”
First, both of these sentences start with a conjunction. But can be fully removed from the first, and it can be altered to state. “ Courage, as a virtue, is the balance between these two things; this one can be considered courageous if he or she habitually practices courageous acts in the real world.”
Throughout the paper

You lack the use of commas after introductory phrases.

For example the sentences “ When reading Nicomachean Ethics one can infer” there should be a comma, so it becomes “ When reading Nicomachean Ethics, one can infer”

Page three, paragraph one. “ Courageousness, in the Aristotelian sense, ”

In terms of philosophy, I am not sure that you have at all proven this statement, or the ability to say that this is the case.

Page 3, Paragraph 2, sentence one.

Add the word “ when” . “ Before the introduction of the smart phone in 2007, when walking through a public place”
This same instruction should be repeated in the following sentence.
Page 3, Paragraph 2 You make a claim that hey have crated many problems, but then only address one. Be careful of making bold claims that are not related to the paper, or which you do not prove/support.

Page 3, paragraph 2, the sentence starting with “ With a decrease in human-to-human interaction people develop poor social skill: decreased”

Alter to add include, like this, “ With a decrease in human-to-human interaction people develop poor social skill, including: decreased”
Page 3, footnote 1, Also, page 4, footnote 2.
Double check instructions. Make sure you are formatting them correctly. Simply dropping a hyperlink into the footnote does not follow the guidelines for any of the major citation systems. I suggest the Perdue OWL website as a source.

Page 4, Paragraph 1, Sentence starting with “ And by practicing the virtues ”

First, this sentence starts with a conjunction. Further, it is a very long run on sentence. The sentence needs totally restructured.

The whole paper

I think that you need more support for the argument that there cannot be virtue practiced in social media/ through technology. I am not sure it is fair to say that one cannot be courageous online. And you have not provided any actual evidence to the contrary.