Mars and venus

Mars AND Venus IN THE Bedroom A GUIDE TO LASTING ROMANCE AND PASSION JOHN GRAY, Ph. D. THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO MY WIFE, BONNIE, whose openness, creativity, and love continue to inspire my writings and deepen my understanding of relationships. CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS v INTRODUCTION 1 1 Advanced Bedroom Skills for Great Sex 11 2 Sex and Passion 23 3 How to Drive a Woman Wild with Pleasure 35 4 Sexual Confidence 45 5 Women are Like the Moon, Men Are Like the Sun 65 6 The Joy of Quickies 77 7 Why Couples Are Having Less Sex 97 8 How to Rekindle the Passion 117 9 Polarity Sex 127 10 Mechanical Sex Versus Spontaneous Sex 145 11 Passionate Monogamy 157 12 Sexual Anatomy and Oral Sex 167 13 Keeping the Magic of Romance Alive 179 ABOUT THE AUTHOR OTHER BOOKS BY JOHN GRAY, PH. D. COVER COPYRIGHT ABOUT THE PUBLISHER ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I thank my wife, Bonnie, for once again sharing the journey of developing a book with me. I thank her for her continued patience and creative support in helping me to be successful as a loving partner. I also thank her for allowing me to share our stories and especially for continuing to expand my understanding and ability to honor the female perspective. Her insightful suggestions and comments have provided an important and necessary balance. I thank my agent, Patti Breitman, for her helpful assistance, brilliant creativity, and enthusiasm, which have guided this book from its conception to its completion. She is a special angel in my life. I thank Carole Bidnick who connected Patti and me for the beginning of our first project, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. I thank Nancy Peske for her persistent editorial expertise vi / JOHN GRAY and creativity throughout the whole process. I thank Jack McKeown for his interest and committed support of this project since its beginning and for the support of the entire staff at HarperCollins for their continued responsiveness to my needs. I thank Michael Najarian and his wife, Susan, for the successful organization of so many seminars. I thank Michael for the many extra hours of creative planning, plus the important and insightful feedback he has given me in developing this material. I thank the many different promoters and organizers who have put their hearts and souls into producing and supporting seminars for me to teach and develop the material in this book: Elly and Ian Coren in Santa Cruz; Ellis and Consuelo Goldfrit in Santa Cruz; Sandee Mac in Houston; Richi and Debra Mudd in Honolulu; Garry Francell of Heart Seminars in Honolulu; Bill and Judy Elbring of Life Partners in San Francisco; David Farlow and Julie Ricksacker in San Diego; David and Marci Obstfeld in Detroit; Fred Kleiner and Mary Wright in Washington, D. C.; Clark and Dotti Bartells in Seattle; Earlene and Jim Carillo in Las Vegas; Bart and Merril Berens in L. A.; and Grace Merrick of the Dallas Unity Church. I thank John Vestman at Trianon Studios for his expert audio recordings of my seminars. I thank Dave Morton and the staff of Cassette Express for their continued appreciation of this material and their quality service. I thank Bonnie Solow for her competence and gentle support in producing the audio version of this book, as well the staff at Harper Audio. I thank Ramy El-Batrawi of Genesis-Nuborn Productions and his wife, Ronda, for the successful creation and ongoing production of television infomercials making available audio and video presentations of my seminars. I thank my executive assistants, Ariana Husband and ACKNOWLEDGMENTS / vii Susie Harris, for their hard work, devotion, and efficient managing of my schedule and office. I thank my chiropractor, Terry Safford, for the incredible support he provided twice a week during the most intensive six months of this project. I thank Raymond Himmel for his many acupuncture sessions at the end of this project that miraculously healed me of dizziness and exhaustion. I thank my friend Renee Swisko for her amazing and powerful healing sessions with me and the rest of my family. I thank my friends and associates for their open, honest, and supportive sharing of ideas and feedback: Clifford McGuire, Jim Kennedy and Anna Everest, John and Bonnie Grey, Reggie and Andrea Henkart, Lee and Joyce Shapiro, Gabriel Grunfeld, Harold Bloomfield and Sirah Vittese, Jordan Paul, Lenny Eiger, Charles Wood, Jacques Earley, Chris Johns, Mike Bosch and Doug Aarons. I thank Oprah for her warm and personal support and the opportunity to share freely my ideas on her show before 30 million viewers. I thank the thousands of participants of my relationship seminars who shared their stories and encouraged me to write this book. Their positive and loving support along with the thousands of calls and letters I have received from readers continues to support me in developing and validating the principles of this book. Particularly for the enormous success of my previous books I wish to thank the millions of readers who not only have shared my books with others but continue to benefit from these ideas in their lives and relationships. I give thanks to God for the opportunity to make a difference in this world and the simple but effective wisdom that comes to me and is presented in this book. INTRODUCTION He wants sex. She wants romance. Sometimes it seems as if our partners are from different planets, as if he’s from Mars and she’s from Venus. In the bedroom, it is obvious that men and women are different, but we may not realize just how different we are. It is only through understanding and accepting our obvious and less obvious differences that we can achieve true intimacy and great sex. Why Sex Is So Important We’re all aware that sex tends to be more important to men while romance is more important to women, but we generally don’t understand why. Without a deeper understanding of this fundamental difference, women com- 2 / JOHN GRAY monly underestimate the importance of sex for men and many times judge them as superficial for wanting only one thing. A woman’s judgments begin to soften when she discovers the real reasons that some men seem to want only sex. With a deeper understanding of our sexual differences based on our historical development and social conditioning, she can begin to understand why, for many men, sexual arousal is the key for helping them connect with and realize their loving feelings. For many men, sexual arousal is the key for helping them connect with and realize their loving feelings. It is through sex that a man’s heart opens, allowing him to experience both his loving feelings and his hunger for love as well. Ironically, it is sex that allows a man to feel his needs for love, while it is receiving love that helps a woman to feel her hunger for sex. Sex allows a man to feel his needs for love, while receiving love helps a woman to feel her hunger for sex. A man often misunderstands a woman’s real need for romance and may feel instead that she is withholding sex. When he wants sex and she is not readily in the mood, he easily misunderstands and feels rejected. He does not instinctively realize that a woman generally needs to feel loved and romanced before she can feel her hunger for sex. Just as a woman needs good communication with her partner to feel loved and loving, a man needs sex. Cer- INTRODUCTION / 3 tainly, a man can feel loved in other ways, but the most powerful way a woman’s love can touch his soul and open his heart is through great sex. What Makes Sex Great Ideally, for sex to be great there must be loving and supportive communication in the relationship. This is the first step. When communication works, all the bedroom skills in this book can be most easily applied. If communication in a relationship is OK, hearing and using the ideas in this book will dramatically increase the passion and quality of sex. When sex gets better, suddenly the whole relationship gets better. Through great sex, the man begins to feel more love, and, as a result, the woman starts getting the love she may have been missing. Automatically, communication and intimacy increase. When sex gets better, suddenly the whole relationship automatically gets better. When a couple is experiencing relationship problems, sometimes, instead of focusing on the problems, taking a shortcut and creating great sex immediately reduces the problems and makes them easier to solve. To most effectively solve relationship problems and ensure lasting intimacy and better communication, I recommend that you read my other books, What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You & Your Father Didn’t Know and Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Sometimes, however, the most effective way to jumpstart a relationship is to first learn the bedroom skills for creating great sex. Great sex is the most powerful way to open a man’s heart and help him to feel his love and express it to a 4 / JOHN GRAY woman. Great sex softens a woman’s heart and helps her to relax and receive her partner’s support in other areas of the relationship. This softening of her feelings dramatically improves her ability to communicate in a manner that her partner can hear without becoming defensive. This improved communication in turn provides a basis for sex to remain passionate. Great sex is the most powerful way to open a man’s heart and help him to feel his love and express it to a woman. Why Another Book on Sex? While many useful books address the mechanics of sex, this book addresses the mechanics of making sure you have sex. Through new approaches for communicating, you will learn how to initiate sex in ways that assure that both your sexual needs and your partner’s are satisfied. In addition, we will explore the psychological differences between men and women in a way that will help you understand what works best for your partner. Most books focus on what men and women physically need, but few address their unique psychological needs as well. This book leads men and women toward sexual fulfillment both physically and emotionally. Not only are men grateful when women learn this information, but women experience greater happiness in and out of the bedroom. I receive so many letters from couples after they take my seminars saying that they are now enjoying the best sex they ever had. Sometimes these couples have been married only a few years, but some of them have been married for more than thirty years. INTRODUCTION / 5 Advanced Bedroom Skills Women today expect more from sex than ever before. It used to be that sex was primarily a way a woman fulfilled her husband. For many of our mothers, sex was something she did for him and not for herself. But now that birth control is more reliable and available and society is much more accepting of women’s sexual needs and desires, women have greater permission to explore and enjoy their sensual side. For many women, a growing interest in sex also reflects their need to find balance within themselves by reconnecting with their feminine side. Having spent most of the day in a traditionally male job, she too wants a “ wife” to greet her with love when she gets home. She too wants to enjoy the release that sex brings. Great sex fulfills her as much as it fulfills him. To cope with the stress of the modern workplace, not only does he need her support, but she needs his as well. Through learning new relationship skills, men and women can solve this problem together. Advanced bedroom skills are required if a man is to provide his partner with the sexual fulfillment that she now requires. The more traditional bedroom skills men and women have used for centuries are outdated. It is not enough for a man to have his way with a woman. She wants more. She wants her orgasm too. He must learn her way as well. Just as women want more, men also want more. Men don’t want to give up passion in their relationships. More and more, both men and women would rather get a divorce than stay in a passionless marriage. Neither sex is willing to put up with the old system of a man having discreet affairs to fulfill his sexual passion 6 / JOHN GRAY while a woman sacrifices her need for passion in favor of maintaining the family unit. AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases make extramarital affairs far more dangerous than they were in the past. A modern man wants his partner to value sex in a way that allows him to stay passionately connected to her and their relationship. To achieve this end, advanced bedroom skills are required for both men and women. In the first twelve chapters of Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, we will explore how to create great sex in bed, and then, in chapter 13, we will explore the importance of romance outside the bedroom to keep the passion alive. Why Couples Stop Having Sex Quite commonly, after being married for several years, one of the partners stops wanting sex. Although the partner feels as if he or she has simply lost interest in sex, the disinterest is really caused because certain conditions for wanting sex are not being met. Throughout Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, we will explore these different needs in much detail. Many times men and women do not clearly know what their needs are or how to have them met. Rather than feel frustrated all the time, they just lose interest. Surprisingly, at my seminars it is mostly the women who come up to me during the breaks and mention that their husbands just aren’t interested in sex anymore. Certainly, it is not unusual for men to want sex more than their partners do, but no matter which partner loses interest, passion can be rekindled with advanced bedroom skills. INTRODUCTION / 7 How to Share This Book with Your Partner This is a fun book and not too technical. I purposely made many of the chapters very short so that you can put the book down and enjoy practicing some of these new bedroom skills. If a woman suggests to a man that he read this book, it is important that she not give him the message that he needs it or that she wants to improve their sex life. It may sound too serious to him and convey the message that he is not good enough or that he needs to be improved; he’ll easily feel insulted by this approach. Instead, she should say, “ Let’s read this book about sex. It is really fun, ” or “ This is really a sexy book. Let’s take turns reading it together. ” He’ll respond much more positively if he sees that she wants to try something new along with him. When a man approaches a woman to read this book, he should use the same approach but also be careful not to insist. If she resists, he can read it on his own and begin to use many of the techniques involved. As he succeeds in applying these techniques, she will be much more willing to read the book. In each case, if your partner resists, gracefully say OK and read the book yourself. Eventually, the man will become interested in what the woman is reading if he sees that she is working on making sex great. Likewise, the woman will be more interested in sharing the book when the man begins applying new skills. If your partner does not seem interested, just leave the book around the bedroom or put it in the bathroom, and curiosity will motivate him or her without you having to do anything more. Reading this book out loud with your partner can 8 / JOHN GRAY assist you in expressing feelings about sex in an easy manner. By making a simple sound of enthusiasm or delight as a certain passage is read, you can give your partner a very important message. In a positive way, you can share ideas that you have avoided expressing for fear that they might sound critical or controlling. Seeing something in print makes it much easier to accept. Another approach is for both partners to read the book alone and then start using it. Eventually, it is helpful to improve communication if they read it out loud together or at least read their favorite parts. Many times a woman is hesitant to describe what she likes in sex because she doesn’t want her partner to follow her instructions mechanically. Reading about various skills in sex will certainly give both men and women plenty of new approaches to experiment with. This newness can assist couples in experiencing new passion. The purpose of this book is not just to educate, but also to inspire. Men sometimes tell me that they already know what I am telling them about sex, but it is certainly great to be reminded in such a positive way. Just talking about sex or reading about it in a book can release new passion. I recommend that, after trying out some of these approaches, a couple continue to talk occasionally about each of their unique preferences. Some of these skills or approaches may be desirable to you but not to your partner. In some cases, over time your partner may change and begin to like certain things and not like other things. It is important that you do not demand something that makes your partner uncomfortable and do not do something to your partner that he or she doesn’t want. Sex is a precious gift that two people can give to each other when they love each other. INTRODUCTION / 9 It is best to just take in this information and then use whatever you like, as if choosing from a buffet. What some people like, others don’t like. You would never want to convince your partner that she should like potatoes if she doesn’t, nor would you judge your partner if he likes potatoes and you don’t. For sex and passion to grow over time, it is important that we not feel the possibility of being judged or criticized for our wishes and desires. We should always try to approach sex in a nonjudgmental manner. I offer this book as a reminder of many of the things you probably already know intuitively. I personally have benefited tremendously from each of the ideas I present, as have thousands of people I’ve counseled or who have attended my seminars. I hope you enjoy this book and continue to enjoy its insights for the rest of your days and nights. Great sex is God’s gift to those who are committed to creating loving and supportive relationships. Great sex is your reward, and you deserve it. John Gray April 29, 1994 Special Note This book is for couples who are in a committed, monogamous relationship. If you are not in a committed, monogamous relationship, or if you are not absolutely one-hundred-percent sure that your partner is HIV negative, for your own safety and self-respect, you must practice safe sex. Many books explain how to practice safe sex without sacrificing spontaneity and pleasure, and I urge you to learn how to protect yourself from the AIDS virus as well as other sexually transmitted diseases. 10 / JOHN GRAY It is especially important for women to take precautions. In a heterosexual relationship, women are at a higher risk than men are to be exposed to the AIDS virus, because during intercourse the virus, if it is present in the man’s semen, can enter her bloodstream through tiny tears in her vagina, tears that commonly occur during intercourse. Some women find it very difficult to insist that a man use a condom every time they have sex to protect her. Women need to remember that their lives and their health are far too important to risk just because he doesn’t want to reduce his sensitivity by wearing a condom. Many brands of condoms and lubricants will limit the loss of sensitivity, and there are many enjoyable ways of incorporating condoms into sex. Also, when a man’s sensitivity is reduced by wearing a condom, he may have an easier time holding back from ejaculating too early before she is satisfied, and by holding back, as I explain in greater detail in chapter 9, his orgasm may be even stronger. Men need to remember that it is extremely difficult for a woman to relax, trust her partner, and truly enjoy sex when she is worried about being infected by HIV or another sexually transmitted disease, or when she is worried about getting pregnant. In the heat of the moment, it is easy for a man to forget the consequences of unsafe sex, but if he takes responsibility for remembering to protect her every time, she will appreciate him greatly and be even more open and intimate during sex because she will feel safe. If you are in a committed, monogamous partnership and have been for at least six months, you can be accurately tested for the HIV virus (it often does not show up in the blood until six months after exposure). Ask your doctor or a public health clinic to test you and your partner. CHAPTER 1 Advanced Bedroom Skills for Great Sex One of the special rewards for learning and applying advanced bedroom skills is that sex gets better and better. Like a fabulous vacation after working hard, or a sensual walk through the forest on a sunny spring day, or the exhilaration of climbing to the top of a mountain, great sex is not just a reward but something that can rejuvenate the body, mind, and soul. It brightens our days and strengthens our relationship in the most basic ways. A great sex life is not just the symptom of a passionate relationship, but is also a major factor in creating it. Great sex fills our hearts with love and can fulfill almost all our emotional needs. Loving sex, passionate sex, sensual sex, long sex, short sex, quickie sex, gourmet sex, playful sex, tender sex, rough sex, soft sex, hard sex, 12 / JOHN GRAY romantic sex, goal-oriented sex, erotic sex, simple sex, cool sex, and hot sex are all an important part of keeping the passion of love alive. A great sex life is not just the symptom of a passionate relationship, but is also a major factor in creating it. Great Sex for Women Great sex softens a woman and opens her to experience the love in her heart and to remember her partner’s love for her in a most definite way. Her partner’s skillful and knowing touch leaves no doubt in her mind that she is important to him. The hunger for love within her soul is fulfilled with her partner’s passionate and fully present attention. An everpresent tension is momentarily released as she surrenders once again to the deepest longings of her feminine being. Her passion to love and be loved can be fully felt and fulfilled. Great Sex for Men Great sex releases a man from all his frustrations and allows him to rekindle his passion and commitment to the relationship. In a most immediate way, he experiences the results of his efforts. Her fulfillment is his ultimate quest and victory. Her warm and wet responsiveness excites, electrifies, and awakens the deepest fibers of his masculine being. Heaven’s gates are opened, and he has arrived! Through her fulfillment, he feels he has made his mark and his love is appreciated. His sometimes hidden but all-consuming and ever-present desire to love and be ADVANCED BEDROOM SKILLS FOR GREAT SEX / 13 loved is both felt and satisfied as he returns to his world yet remains deep within her. Great Sex for the Relationship Great sex reminds both men and women of the tender and highest love that originally drew them together. The alchemy of great sex generates the chemicals in the brain and body that allow the fullest enjoyment of one’s partner. It increases our attraction to each other, stimulates greater energy, and even promotes better health.* It leaves us not only with the sparkle of youthful vitality, but with a heightened sense of beauty, wonder, and appreciation not only for each other, but for the world around us. Great sex is God’s special gift to those who work hard to make love a priority in their lives. The one major characteristic that makes a marriage more than just a loving friendship is sex. Sex directly nurtures our male and female sides more than any other activity a couple can share. Great sex is soothing to a woman and helps keep her in touch with her feminine side, while it strengthens a man and keeps him in touch with his masculine side. Sex has a tremendous power to bring us closer or push us apart. To create great sex, it is not enough for men or women to follow their ancient instincts. As times have changed, the quality of sex has become much more important. Our mothers couldn’t tell us and our fathers * In his book, The Power of Five, Harold Bloomfield, M. D., reveals that regular sex is vital for maintaining higher estrogen levels in women. Higher estrogen has been associated with better bones, better cardiovascular health, and a feeling of joy in life. Men who experience regular sex have a higher testosterone level, which leads to greater confidence, vitality, strength, and energy. 14 / JOHN GRAY didn’t know the secrets of great sex. Just as the skills for relating and communicating have changed, so also have the skills for sex. To fulfill our partners in bed, new skills are required. Without a clear understanding of our different requirements in sex, after a few years–sometimes only months–sex becomes routine and mechanical. By making a few but significant shifts, we can completely overcome this pattern. Women Love Great Sex Great sex requires a positive attitude about sex. For a man to continue feeling attracted to his partner, he needs to feel that she likes sex as much as he does. Quite often a man will feel defeated in sex because he mistakenly gets the message that his partner is not as interested in sex. Without a deeper understanding of how we are wired differently for sex, it is very easy to feel discouraged. Women love great sex as much as men. The difference between a woman and a man is that she doesn’t feel her strong desire for sex unless her need for love is first satisfied. Most important, she first needs to feel loved and special to a man. When her heart is opened in this way, her sexual center begins to open, and she feels a longing equal to or greater than what any man feels. To her, love is much more important than sex, but as the need for love is fulfilled, the importance of sex dramatically increases. Women love great sex as much as men, but to feel turned on, women have many more requirements. ADVANCED BEDROOM SKILLS FOR GREAT SEX / 15 Even if a woman doesn’t feel loved but feels the possibility of being loved, she can begin to feel her deep desires for sex. Generally speaking, however, a man needs only the opportunity and the place to become aroused. In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man. In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man. Different Chemistry This difference is reflected physiologically. The hormones in a man’s body that are responsible for arousal quickly build up and then are quickly released after orgasm. For a woman, the pleasure builds up much more slowly and remains long after orgasm. For a woman, arousal slowly builds long before it becomes a physical desire for sex. Before longing for sexual stimulation, a woman first feels warm, sensual, and attractive. She feels drawn to a man and enjoys sharing time together. It could be days before she wants to have sex. For a woman, arousal slowly builds long before it becomes a physical desire for sex. It is hard for a man to understand her different requirements because they are not his experience. When a man becomes aroused, it is immediately sexual. To wait days requires enormous restraint on his part. 16 / JOHN GRAY It is hard for him to understand her different requirements because they are not his experience. When a man returns home from a trip, he might want to have sex immediately, while his wife wants to take some time to get reacquainted and talk. Without an understanding of this difference, it would be very easy for him to feel unnecessarily rejected or for her to feel used. In the beginning of a relationship, a man is more understanding of a woman’s need to wait before she has sex. But once they are having sex, he doesn’t realize that she still requires emotional support first before she wants to have sex. In a very real sense, emotional support is the price of admission. He does not understand the importance of fulfilling her emotional needs first because his requirements are less. “ Men Only Want One Thing” Women commonly think men only want one thing: sex. The truth is, however, that men really want love. A man wants love just as much as a woman, but before he can open his heart and let in his partner’s love, sexual arousal is a prerequisite. Just as a woman needs love to open up to sex, a man needs sex to open up to love. Just as a woman needs love to open up to sex, a man needs sex to open up to love. As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfillment during sex. Women do not understand this about men. The hid- ADVANCED BEDROOM SKILLS FOR GREAT SEX / 17 den reason a man is so much in a hurry to have sex is that through sex, a man is able to feel again. Throughout the day, a man becomes so focused on his work that he loses touch with his loving feelings. Sex helps him to feel again. Through sex, a man’s heart begins to open up. Through sex, a man can give and receive love the most. When a woman begins to understand this difference, it changes her whole perspective on sex. Instead of a man’s desire for sex being something crude and divorced from love, she can begin to see it as his way of eventually finding love. A woman’s feelings about a man’s preoccupation with sex can dramatically shift when she understands why a man needs sex. Why Men Need Sex Men need sex to feel. For thousands of years, men adapted to their primary job as protector and provider by shutting down their sensitivities, emotions, and feelings. Getting the job done was more important than taking the time to explore feelings. More feeling or sensitivity would just hold them back or get in the way. Men need sex to feel. To go out into the wild or into battle, men needed to put their feelings aside. To provide for and protect their families, men were required to risk their lives while enduring the discomforts of scorching sun and freezing cold. Men gradually adapted to this requirement by becoming desensitized. In fact, this difference shows up dramatically in skin sensitivity. Women’s skin is ten times more sensitive than men’s skin. To cope with pain, men learned to turn off their feel- 18 / JOHN GRAY ings. When they stopped feeling pain, however, they also lost their ability to feel pleasure and love. For many men, other than hitting their finger with a hammer or watching a football game, sex is one of the only ways they can feel! It is definitely the way they can feel most intensely. When a man is aroused, he rediscovers the love hidden in his heart. Through sex, a man can feel, and through feeling, he can come back to his soul again. Why Women Don’t Understand Women don’t understand this difference because they have different requirements to fully feel. A woman primarily needs the emotional security to talk about her feelings. When she feels supported in a relationship, she can rediscover the love in her heart. When her emotional needs are met in this way, her sexual needs become more important. It is confusing to her when he wants sex and they are not even talking or he has ignored her for days. To her, it seems as if he doesn’t care if they have much of a relationship. She has no idea that when he begins to hunger for sex it is because he wants to reconnect and share love. Just as communication is so important to women, sex is important to men. A woman’s sexual responsiveness is the most powerful way he can hear that he is loved. Sex can be the most powerful means to rekindle a man’s feelings of love. When Mom said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, she was about four inches too high. Sex is the direct line to a man’s heart. When Mom said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, she was about four inches too high. ADVANCED BEDROOM SKILLS FOR GREAT SEX / 19 What Men Need A man is empowered and nurtured most when he feels appreciated, accepted, and trusted. When a woman is aroused, she is actually giving a man megadoses of what he needs most. When a woman is longing to have sex with a man, she is most open and trusting. In a very dramatic way, she is willing to surrender her defenses and not only reveal her nakedness, but bring him into her body and being as well. By desiring a man in this way, she makes him feel very accepted. Then, when his every touch creates a pleasurable response, he feels greatly appreciated. In the most tangible and physical way possible, he feels and experiences that he is making a difference. Even if he is stressed from the day, if his wife is feeling loved and supported and enjoys sex with him, he can be immediately rejuvenated. Although it seems as if sex makes him feel better, it is really that he is feeling again and able to let in her love. He is no longer cut off from his feeling self but can move into that deserted part of his being again. He can feel whole again. Like a thirsty man wandering in the desert, he can finally relax and take a drink from the oasis of his feelings. Like a thirsty man wandering in the desert, during sex he can finally relax and take a drink from the oasis of his feelings. Through touching her softness and entering the warmth of her loving body, he is able to remain hard and masculine but also experience his own softness and warmth. Through skillfully restraining his sexual passions, he is 20 / JOHN GRAY able to gradually open up not just to pleasurable sensations, but to the deeper joy of loving his partner and being loved in return. What Makes Sex Great It was about the fifth year of my marriage with Bonnie when I began to understand consciously what really makes sex great. One time after having really great sex, I said, “ Wow, that was great. I loved it. I loved every little moment. That was as good as it was in the beginning…” I looked at Bonnie, expecting her to nod in agreement or say something like, “ Yes, that was spectacular. ” Instead, she looked a little puzzled. I said, “ Well, wasn’t it as good for you? ” She said matter-of-factly, “ I thought it was much better. ” I suddenly had ambivalent feelings. I thought, “ What do you mean, this was better? Were you just faking it in the beginning? How could you say this was better? Wasn’t it great then too? ” She continued, “ When we first had sex, it was wonderful, but you didn’t really know me and I didn’t really know you. It takes years to really get to know someone. Now when you make love to me, you know who I am. You know the best of me and you know the worst of me, and you still desire me and love me. That is what makes sex great for me now. ” From that moment on, I began to realize the truth of what she said. What makes sex really great is love. The more you get to know someone and continue to grow in intimacy and love, the more the sexual experience has a chance to thrive. ADVANCED BEDROOM SKILLS FOR GREAT SEX / 21 Over the years, my sexual experience had also changed. It had been so gradual that I hadn’t even noticed until she pointed it out. This awareness allowed me to focus my attention on how to make sex even better. In the next chapter, we will explore how sex can continue to improve. CHAPTER 2 Sex and Passion Without passion, sex becomes routine and boring. With the assistance of advanced bedroom skills and love, a couple can continue to experience great passion and fulfillment. Instead of becoming less passionate over the years, a man who sees and touches his wife’s naked body can be more turned on than ever. Not only can he be excited by the pleasure of arousal and increasing sexual intensity, but he can also be aware of how much more love, warmth, passion, and sensual affection he will be able to experience as well as provide for her. This awareness elevates sex to an even higher level of passion and excitement. When she feels his passion for her, she can rejoice in his continued desire to connect with her and provide her 24 / JOHN GRAY with pleasure. She also recognizes sex as an opportunity to share love in a way that nurtures him the most. Sex becomes a beautiful expression of her love for him and an opportunity to receive in the deepest fibers of her femininity his love for her. After practicing advanced bedroom skills, he will be much more aware that he is not only loving her, but also is getting the love he needs. He will be turned on to her not just because he is horny, but because he loves her and wants to get close. Without depending on some fantasy woman to be turned on, he will truly know who he is loving. Sex is great when it is shared in love and the love keeps growing. For a woman to grow in sexual fulfillment, she primarily needs to feel emotionally supported in the relationship, but it is also important for the man to skillfully understand her different sexual needs. For a man to grow in sexual fulfillment, he primarily needs to feel successful in fulfilling his partner sexually. This requires that he practice new skills not only in the relationship, but also in bed. For a woman to grow in sexual fulfillment, she primarily needs to feel emotionally supported in the relationship, but it is also important for the man to skillfully understand her different sexual needs. How Sex Can Get Better Sex can always get better, but anything else, it requires new information and opportunity to practice. Most men are never taught how to have sex. Once SEX AND PASSION / 25 they can get turned on or can masturbate, they are somehow expected to be sexual experts. Sure, they know where to put it and how to have an orgasm in two minutes, but the art of giving a woman an orgasm is a different story altogether. How are men supposed to know what makes women happy when they are not women? For great sex, a man needs to understand a woman’s body and what turns her on. How are men supposed to know what makes women happy when they are not women? It is hard for men to find out what makes women really happy in bed because we are expected to already know. In most cases, a man actually thinks he does know. He mistakenly assumes that what makes him happy will make her happy. When a woman isn’t satisfied, he thinks something is wrong with her instead of with his techniques. He doesn’t understand that a woman’s needs are dramatically different from his in bed. A man doesn’t instinctively understand that a woman’s sexual needs are dramatically different from his in bed. He mistakenly assumes that what makes him happy will make her happy. Having Sex the First Time I remember when I first had sex. My partner and I had talked about it and were going to go all the way. I was so excited. I immediately and instinctively began to run around the bases as quick as possible to score. First base, I 26 / JOHN GRAY kissed her. Second base, I felt her up. Third base, I entered her, and then I scored a home run with an orgasm. Before I had reached my destination, I noticed that she was following another tactic. She didn’t go right to my erogenous zone. It was as though she was purposely striking out. She was moving her hands slowly up and down my body. Down my thighs and then back up to my chest. Up and down my arms and then up and down my chest and back. She was touching me everywhere I didn’t want to be touched. Since we were planning to go all the way, I reached down to her hand and put it between my legs. I said, “ There! ” Women Slow Up While Men Speed Up I didn’t understand at the time what she was doing. I thought she was trying to torture me. I didn’t care about being touched all over my body. I just wanted to be touched in one place. Later on, as I learned about a woman’s body, I discovered that she was doing to me what she would have liked me to do to her. Men don’t instinctively know what women like, and even when they hear about it, they tend to forget. Every song and book about sex says the same thing. A woman likes a man with a slow hand. Yet once he gets excited, he speeds up. He assumes she wants it speeded up because he does. He doesn’t have a clue how much more exciting he can make it for her by restraining himself again and again. A woman likes a man with a slow hand. When he gets excited, he gives the kind of stimulation that he would like but not what she needs. To make sex great over time, a man needs to open his awareness to the SEX AND PASSION / 27 different needs a woman has while a woman has to help her man be successful in fulfilling her sexually. How Sex Is Different for Men and Women Sex is a very different experience for women and men. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman experiences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex correspond to a gradual buildup of tension. The more she can feel her desire for sex, the more fulfilling it is. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman’s pleasure corresponds to a gradual buildup of sexual tension. For a man, sex instinctively is a testosterone drive toward the ultimate release of climax. When he becomes aroused, he automatically seeks release. His fulfillment in sex is mainly associated with the release of tension leading to and including the orgasm. Biologically, in a man’s body there is actually an inner sac of semen already waiting and seeking release. Unlike a woman, whose fluids are generated through arousal, when a man is aroused, he is already seeking release. In a sense, he is trying to empty out while she is seeking to be filled up. A man’s immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of his excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing. She relishes his ability to slowly build up her desire to 28 / JOHN GRAY be touched in her most sensitive zones. As one layer at a time is stripped away, she longs for the deeper layers of her sensual soul to be revealed. As much as he wants to immediately satisfy his desire for sexual stimulation, she hungers and loves to feel her desire increase. Why Men Crave Release When the man touches the softness of a woman’s bare breast, the smoothness of her inner thigh, or the warmth of her wet vagina, he begins to feel his own inner link to experiencing pleasure and love. Through touching her soft femininity, he can connect with his own softness and yet remain hard, focused, and masculine. Sensuality is a part of his being, but he primarily experiences it through touching her body and feeling her pleasurable response. Many times after having great sex with my wife, I realize that I had forgotten how beautiful the trees are in our neighborhood. I go outside and breathe in the fresh air and feel alive again. It is not that I didn’t feel alive in my work, but by connecting with my wife through great sex, I can reawaken and bring to life my more sensual feelings that are easily forgotten in the focused pursuit of achieving my goals at work. In a sense, great sex helps me to stop and smell the flowers. The more a man in his daily life is disconnected from his feelings, the more he will crave sexual stimulation and release. The intense pleasure of release at every stage of the sexual unfolding allows him to connect momentarily with his feelings and open his heart. For him, sexual hunger is not only for the experience of pleasure, but also for the experience of love. Although he may not be aware of it, his persistent SEX AND PASSION / 29 sexual longing is really his soul seeking wholeness. The barren landscape of living only in his mind seeks union with the rich, sensuous, colorful, and sweet-smelling terrain of his heart. A man’s persistent sexual longing is really his soul seeking wholeness. The barren landscape of living only in his mind seeks union with the rich, sensuous, colorful, and sweet-smelling terrain of his heart. As his need to touch and be touched sexually is satisfied, his ability to feel automatically increases. As his feeling self is awakened, a tremendous energy is released. He can experience again his feelings of joy, love, and peace. The Pleasure of Intercourse Before intercourse, a man longs to enter a woman’s body. His penis, hard and erect, is fully focused and extended to make contact with her most feminine sacred chamber. When he moves into her, penetrating her vagina, his pleasure is greatly intensified. This pleasure results from the releasing of his sexual tension. As his penis is momentarily held and massaged on all sides by her warm and wet vagina, his whole being is nourished. Suddenly, he is teleported out of the dry domain of his intellectual detachment into the moist caverns of sensitive and sensuous feeling. During intercourse, a man is teleported out of the dry domain of his intellectual detachment into the moist caverns of sensitive and sensuous feeling. 30 / JOHN GRAY A man’s penis is his most sensitive organ; when it is touched, all of him is touched, soothed, excited, and electrified with pleasure. The feelings of love and attachment that are so easily dismissed by his rational mind are suddenly awakened by the intensity of sexual fulfillment. After entering her welcoming vagina, he feels the intense satisfaction of arriving at his goal. When his tension is released, he automatically experiences a wave of increased feeling. After this momentary release of tension, he pulls back to experience the tension again and then plunges forward to release it. This back and forth pumping action increases the tension and thus increases the feeling that results from his release. In this way, the tension builds up until he experiences a final release. How a Man Feels Love A man is free to feel when he has achieved his goal. When his male side has done its work successfully, he swings over to his female side and fully feels. When he can satisfy his own desires and also fulfill his partner, he can relax and feel a greater sense of peace, love, and joy. In a way, when he and his partner experience an orgasm, he feels he has completed his job and has been richly rewarded by her deeply felt appreciation and love for him. By providing her orgasm first, a man opens a woman up to fully respond to his orgasm. After she has experienced her orgasm, she can best share the fullness of her love and receptivity. At the moment of his climax, he is able to fully join with her and receive the love she has for him. To whatever extent his partner loves him, at this precious moment, he is able to let it in the most. SEX AND PASSION / 31 To whatever extent his partner loves him, at the precious moment of orgasm, a man is able to receive her love the most. Particularly when he knows she is fulfilled and appreciative of him, he can fully thrive in that moment. More than at any other time, he can let her love in and can feel the love deep in his heart and reaffirm his commitment to her. As a man’s heart opens during orgasm, he is able to feel the depth of his love and reaffirm his commitment to her. The Therapy of Great Sex Any resentments building up in a man are easily washed away when he experiences great sex. There is no therapy better for a man than great sex. Sometimes therapy or counseling is needed to get to that place where a man and woman can experience great sex, but once a couple is there and they know how to keep getting there, for a man great sex keeps him going and keeps the magic of passionate love alive. Without the regular experience of great sex, it is very easy for a man to forget how much he loves his partner. He may wish her well and be congenial or civil in the relationship, but he will not feel the deep connection that they felt in the beginning. Without great sex, her little imperfections will begin to get bigger and bigger in his eyes. Unlike a woman, who needs to talk about feelings to feel more loving, a man can feel more loving through great sex. 32 / JOHN GRAY Although good communication is essential in a relationship and will lead to great sex, when a woman in a relationship doesn’t experience great sex over time, she can easily harden under the weight of all her responsibilities. She feels responsible not only for herself, but also for her partner. She forgets her own sensual and sexual feminine desires. Without the romantic support of her loving companion, she doesn’t feel she has time for herself. Why Women Relish Desire The more a woman is focused throughout her day on caring for and giving to others, the less aware she is of herself and her own sensual desires. She may be in touch with other people’s feelings but out of touch with her own. Just as a man forgets feelings, a woman forgets her sensual desires and longings. The practicalities of day-today survival and living take precedence over her deeper and more sensual desires. The more pressured or overwhelmed she is, the harder it is for her to relax and enjoy life’s simple pleasures. Just as a man forgets feelings, a woman forgets her sensual desires and longings. The practicalities of day-to-day survival and living take precedence over her deeper and more sensual desires. When a man focuses on a woman in a caring and attentive way, he frees her to experience herself again. When a woman feels temporarily relieved of her pressure to care for others, she can begin to feel her sexual desires. A man’s romantic attention to details designed to please her automatically begins to open her up. SEX AND PASSION / 33 By receiving the caring, nurturing, and sensuous support her female side craves, she begins to consciously feel her sexual yearnings. It is as though she doesn’t even know she wants this stimulation until she gets it. The act of skillfully giving a woman what she needs helps her to discover her needs, and then she begins to long for more. For example, when a man touches a woman close to her erogenous zones and then pulls away, back and forth in a rhythmic manner, a woman can begin to feel her desire to be touched more intensely. A skillful man moves his touch in the direction that she will eventually want him to touch, and then just as he gets close, he pulls away. This has the effect of increasing her desire for him to touch her there. He teases her by giving a little and then taking it away. As a man touches her body in the nonerogenous zones bordering the places where she is not usually touched, she automatically begins to feel her need to be touched in the erogenous zones. During great sex, a woman’s desire gradually increases. In the beginning she may only feel a little or faint desire, but as that desire is fulfilled and tension is released, a greater desire follows. As desire continues to be fulfilled, a new and more intense desire is generated. In this way, through the gradual buildup and release of tension, she can feel her maximum desire for union and release it with an orgasm. A secret of great sex is for the man to slowly tease a woman to increase her sexual desire. In the next chapter, we will explore the art of teasing. CHAPTER 3 How to Drive a Woman Wild with Pleasure Women enjoy conversation most when they are not required to get to the point right away. Many times, to relax or to get closer to someone, they like to circle around for a while and gradually discover what they want to say. This is a perfect metaphor for how a woman enjoys sex. She loves it when a man takes time to get to the point and circles around for a while. Until her desire and arousal is intense, a woman enjoys being touched in a nondirect manner. For example, before moving his fingers or the palms of his hands to touch her breasts, a man should circle them for a while, getting closer and closer. Then, when he is about to touch, he should move somewhere else and start again. Instead of being directly stimulated in her most sensi- 36 / JOHN GRAY tive places, as a man likes, a woman wants to be teased or gradually led to the place where she is longing to be touched. For example, when taking off her bra, instead of just taking it off each time, sometimes a man should slowly move his finger along the inner lining, then slowly pull down the bra strap, allowing the breast to be exposed, and then cover it up again. A woman wants to be teased or gradually led to the place where she is longing to be touched. A man can tease a woman by giving a little and then backing up to start over again. Repeating this process generates more desire in her. Her increased longing provides great pleasure for her as well as for him. Once he realizes what is really turning her on, he begins to feel the power of restraining his own passion to drive her wild with pleasure. A Woman’s Need to Relax A man generally doesn’t understand a woman’s need to relax and get into sex slowly. He starts out ready to go. He does not readily understand a woman’s need to relax first because sometimes he may want to have an orgasm so that he can relax. Unlike men, most women need to relax first before they can enjoy great sex. Teasing and foreplay give her the time to relax and gradually let go of her inhibitions. Slow, rhythmic, and unpredictable physical touching, stroking, and rubbing of the nonerogenous zones gradually awaken a more intense longing to be touched in her erogenous zones. Before a man can fulfill a woman, she first needs time to relax and feel the part of her that needs to be filled up. HOW TO DRIVE A WOMAN WILD WITH PLEASURE / 37 A piece of good advice commonly found in books about sex is for women to prepare for sex by taking a long warm bubble bath with the lights down low. Before I understood the differences between men and women, I could never understand this. If I took a long warm bath, I would probably fall asleep. Now, however, it makes sense to me that a woman could greatly benefit from a long warm bath. Relaxation and gentle stimulation are the basis for a woman’s arousal. By slowly tracing her body with his fingers and tender kisses, a man will awaken her more erogenous zones, which will long to be touched. A Lover with a Slow Hand When I interview women about what they want most from a man, again and again they tell me they want a lover with a slow hand. This slow process increases her pleasure so that when his fingers and tongue eventually move to touch her breasts, her nipples are erect and longing to be touched. When he moves to her inner thighs, vulva, labia, clitoris, and vagina, she is already wet, warm, and ready to be touched. When she is stimulated in this way, her pleasure wells up from deep inside her being. A man is different. Directly touching his penis dramatically increases his pleasure. Many women don’t realize this and frustrate a man by waiting too long to touch and rub his genitals. If such touching seems too direct for her, a woman can relieve much of his frustration with the weight of her body pressing against his groin. A woman needs to remember that direct stimulation provides maximum pleasure for a man. 38 / JOHN GRAY Because men are different in this way, a man needs to practice going slow. When he begins to consciously experience how wonderful it makes her feel, gradually it becomes more instinctive. A man needs to remember that to increase a woman’s pleasure, he needs to delay direct stimulation. It will take longer and sometimes it will seem as if nothing is working, but eventually her pleasure will be much greater. If he takes this extra time, not only will she be happier, but he will also experience greater pleasure. A man needs to remember that to increase a woman’s pleasure, he needs to delay direct stimulation. Circumambulating the Temple Certain ancient temples are dedicated to worshipping the female aspect of God. According to one ritual associated with these temples, you have to circumambulate the temple three times before entering it. This same principle applies to loving and adoring a woman during sex. Before directly touching or entering a very delicate spot, a man should prepare her first. For example, when a man is kissing a woman, abruptly putting his tongue in her mouth can be too sudden. Instead, he should kiss her lightly several times, and then as she begins to open up, he can place his tongue in her mouth. One wonderful sensation is to first circle around inside her mouth before plunging more deeply. When touching her breast and eventually the nipples, he should also circle first. For example, instead of directly touching her breast and then her nipple, he should first slowly move down toward the breast and then come back HOW TO DRIVE A WOMAN WILD WITH PLEASURE / 39 up. Then, with a slow rhythmic back and forth movement, he can get closer. Once he begins to touch her breast, he can gracefully move his hand back and forth, cupping his hand around her breast in much the way her bra would. He could move his hand back and forth in a gentle rocking motion. Eventually, he can move all around the breast. Then he may squeeze and release it again and again. All these motions are designed to slowly and repetitively increase and then decrease stimulation. One little tip that any man can easily learn is the art of taking off her bra. Years ago when I would take off my partner’s bra, I would practically wrestle with the fasteners. Sex suddenly became very clumsy and awkward. How is a guy supposed to know how to take off a bra when he doesn’t wear one? This problem can be easily solved. One day when your wife is not around, find her bra drawer and take five minutes to examine her different bras. In a few minutes, you can become an expert. There are basically three kinds of fasteners: the up and down kind, the back and forth ones, and the ones in the front. Practice opening them so you can do it effortlessly with one hand. Then, with your eyes closed, practice doing it with one hand. The next time you have sex, she will be greatly impressed as you coolly and confidently release her bra. Women like men to have confidence. This is one area in which a man can definitely know what to do. As he releases her bra with one hand, she will begin to melt and surrender to his knowledgeable and masterful touch. How to Increase Desire To increase her desire, a man may choose to touch her somewhere else and then come back to her breast and 40 / JOHN GRAY start all over. When he comes back this time, he may choose to get closer to the nipple. Instead of going directly, he should graze over it as if his touch is unintentional. This gives her a chance to feel her nipple’s sensitivity and long for more. When he comes back, he should circle the breast for a while. In this case, circling three times is not enough. Ten times longer than he would normally wait will probably do the trick. Once he is touching the nipple, he can gently stroke it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The approach should be as though he has all the time in the world. Once the nipple is erect, he can gently lick it or begin to suck it. A woman will be particularly aroused when a man sucks on her nipple while he is stroking her clitoris. Taking Off Her Panties A man should begin to touch between her legs only when he thinks she is already wet. Sometimes it is good to first touch around the lining of her panties and gradually explore her vulva. It is very exciting for her if he doesn’t just suddenly pull down her panties. Instead, he may start to pull them down and then pull them back up a little higher. Instead of taking them off, he can begin touching her on the inside edge of her panties across the back, then the front, then along the edge down the front. Then he can put his fingers inside the edge between her legs and feel the moist hairs and flesh around her vagina. Once he has checked with a gentle probing finger that she is wet, he can take off her panties. Or, instead of immediately pulling them off, he can once again delay HOW TO DRIVE A WOMAN WILD WITH PLEASURE / 41 pulling them down to convey the message that he is in control of his passions. Even if his passion is mounting, he can take a long time. This restraint and control allow her to feel freer to release her inhibitions and let go of control. Instead of taking off her panties, he can reach around her buttocks and pull her panties into her crack to expose her bare bottom. After turning her panties into a G string, he can begin to touch and stroke her buttocks and her inner thigh from behind. Eventually, he can take off her panties and begin stroking her inner thighs and circling her whole vulva to touch her clitoris. Touching Her Clitoris Many times men forget to touch the clitoris. In my counseling, I’ve often heard a woman complain that her partner doesn’t touch her there, or that when he tries to, he misses the spot much of the time, or that even when he gets it right, he doesn’t stay long enough. Many women see this as a sign that he doesn’t really care about her. That judgment is generally not true. A man forgets to touch the clitoris because he doesn’t instinctively understand how important it is. Here are some findings that will help a man to remember. In my own interviews and in most sexual studies, women report that ninety-eight percent of the orgasms they experience are directly the result of stimulation of the clitoris. A man forgets to touch the clitoris not because he doesn’t care about her fulfillment, but because he doesn’t instinctively understand that almost all female orgasms result from the stimulation of her clitoris. 42 / JOHN GRAY Men, imagine having sex without having your penis stimulated. It would certainly not be very much fun. In a similar way, for a woman to enjoy great sex, stimulation of the clitoris for five to fifteen minutes is necessary if he wants her to have an orgasm. Quite commonly in counseling, a man will tell me he touches his wife’s clitoris for five or ten minutes. His wife, however, will privately tell me he rarely touches her there, and when he does, it is only for a minute or two. I assure her that he really thinks he is taking more time and then teach her advanced skills for getting what she wants. By first accepting a man’s tendencies to forget her needs, a woman can begin to get what she wants. If she is angry with him, it is hard for him to hear her legitimate requests. Taking More Time for Her If a man is not touching a woman’s clitoris for a long enough time, I suggest that she reach down and continue touching herself. In this way, he gets the message loud and clear but doesn’t feel criticized, corrected, or controlled. When he experiences how much she is enjoying it, he will then automatically begin taking more time for her. When there is another way she would like him to touch her, instead of patiently and silently bearing what he is doing, she can reach down and make the moves on herself that she wants him to make. At those times, the man should grab a pillow and go down there to watch and learn. One very effective way a man can learn to give a woman a longer interlude in sex is to time it. It doesn’t sound romantic, but it sure works. I recommend that the HOW TO DRIVE A WOMAN WILD WITH PLEASURE / 43 man discreetly put a clock by the bed. While he is touching her vulva and clitoris, he can occasionally glance over and time himself. Men are often surprised to discover that when they are aroused, they truly are living in a different time zone. What feels like ten or fifteen minutes of stimulation is really only one or two minutes by the clock. By setting himself up to take a full five to fifteen minutes, he ca